In the hustle and bustle of life these days, it’s simple to fall into cycles of obsessive thinking, controlling actions, and attachment without even noticing. These habits can subtly erode both our relationships and our sense of peace. Whether it’s sneaking a peek at your partner’s phone when they’re not around or getting worried about their relationship with an ex, it usually boils down to the same: fear.
Psychologist and leadership coach Bob Rosen observes that our attachments aren’t merely bad habits—they’re stealing our peace. “We obsess to feel in control, but it keeps us stuck in fear,” Rosen says. These patterns can manifest as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or incessant overthinking—all of which build walls between us and the people we love.
Consider Michelle, for instance. She’s involved with a great guy who still maintains a close friendship with his former girlfriend. Although she is married, Michelle catches herself spinning out of control after even the smallest encounter, interpreting every remark, and secretly praying that the friendship fades.
Michelle’s story is a call to a shared relationship dilemma: how do we reconcile our insecurity with the fact that our partners are their individuals? Relationship coach Dr. Abby indicates it’s valuable to know why a person would remain friends with an ex in the first place.
Studies indicate that there are four major reasons: civility (not wanting to offend), practicality (such as mutual social networks or workplaces), security (having a reliable support network), and unresolved love feelings. The first three typically produce healthy friendships, but the fourth tends to create trouble.
“Real intimacy begins when we quit trying to control the outcome,” Rosen explains. Rather than attempting to control everything, he recommends becoming curious. When confronted with your partner’s friendship with an ex, Dr. Abby advises asking open, honest questions rather than making demands. For instance, what is their friendship founded on now? Was the breakup mutual? Do they both agree they aren’t a good fit as a couple?
Much of the jealousy and need to control result from hurt we’ve endured in childhood. Rosen states that “letting go of the past isn’t forgetting—it’s releasing your grip on pain.” Much of the coping behaviors that enabled us to survive as children come back to haunt us in our adult relationships unless we see them.
If you’re having trouble with jealousy or control problems, the work begins within you. Before you ask your partner to change, take a little time to figure out what’s truly at the root of your fear. What specifically provokes your anxiety? Is it how frequently they communicate with their former partner? The way they laugh together? Something deeper?
When you know what’s getting under your skin, be honest. Rather than saying, “I hate that you’re friends with your ex,” you could say, “When you text her at midnight, I worry about our relationship.” Talking about your feelings rather than criticizing the friendship itself can lead to more understanding between you.
At the core of all of this is self-trust. According to Rosen, “You can’t build a secure relationship without building self-trust first.” Begin by asking yourself: Am I attempting to control this because I’m afraid I won’t be able to survive being hurt? Am I bringing past betrayers into my present relationship?
It takes actual effort to break free from obsessive thinking. When you find yourself spinning about your partner’s ex—or whatever else is making you fearful, stop. Observe the fear beneath the thoughts. Attempt to anchor yourself in the present rather than allowing your mind to spin into worst-case scenarios.
Letting go isn’t about being boundary-less. It’s about being able to differentiate between a healthy boundary and a control technique masquerading as a boundary. A healthy boundary could be, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t discuss intimate things about us with your ex.” A controlling request would be, “I must see all the messages you send her.”
This is hard work. Rosen draws from his own experience of recovery from addiction and perfectionism that it takes a great deal of courage to learn to let go. But on the other side of all that fear is a kind of freedom—relationships based on authentic trust and a self-worth that isn’t based on controlling everything around you.
So the next time you find yourself fixating on your partner’s history or friendships, keep this in mind: it’s not the situation itself that’s causing most of the hurt—it’s the tight hold you have on attempting to control it. When you release that hold, you create room for deeper, more authentic connections with others and with yourself.
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