Empathy is the foundation of true human relationships, yet at times we are in a relationship where it seems like it’s absent. With a partner, family member, or friend, feeling like we are not being heard can lead us to question the relationship as well as ourselves.
So what is empathy then, and why does it hurt so much if it’s absent? Research by Dr. Theresa Wiseman defines four main aspects of true empathy: perspective taking, non-judgment, identification of emotions, and acknowledgement of those emotions. It’s about putting aside our own experience for a while to understand what someone else is experiencing.
“Empathy is a risky and courageous decision,” writes Brené Brown, author and researcher. To be fully able to connect with someone’s suffering, we must draw upon our history of suffering. It takes going back into our wounds, which makes empathy an intensely vulnerable act.
This weakness is a major reason why empathy can be difficult for many. When faced with another person’s difficult feelings, some individuals will respond with judgment or avoidance instead of understanding. This is particularly common in relationships where one partner has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), as variations in brain wiring can cause large empathy gaps.
Neurotypical partners in ASD/NT relationships get frustrated when their partner does not appear to take responsibility for their behavior. A woman mentioned, “My husband takes no responsibility for his behaviors.” This can typically stem from significant differences in perceiving social and emotional signals.
Taking responsibility means understanding how our actions affect others. It’s about anticipating their feelings, realizing when we’ve hurt them, apologizing, and trying to fix things. Without strong empathic abilities, this process can feel almost impossible.
For the individual with ASD, they might genuinely care, but expressing that care in the way neurotypical individuals anticipate is very difficult. Reactions such as “What do you want from me?” or “You never said that,” can come across as confusing and painful to the other partner.
One individual with ASD explained their experience: “I am so overwhelmed with intense feelings/discomfort/sensory overload, I don’t feel like I can empathize with others, even when they need me to.” This candid observation demonstrates how overwhelming personal experiences can make it difficult to target other people’s needs.
So, what do we do in relationships when empathy seems to be absent?
- Prioritize self-care: Make time for activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul. Healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness, and creative pursuits can help you maintain your strength when empathy seems elusive.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself the same way you would like others to be to you. Your emotions are valid, even if others don’t see them.
- Let yourself feel: It’s necessary to feel bad feelings. Allow yourself to mourn, to be angry, or to be disappointed without guilt.
- Speak clearly: Tell others about your needs rather than hoping they will figure them out on their own. For individuals with ASD partners, speaking clearly about how their actions impact you can increase awareness, where empathy may not be a natural response.
- Construct a varied support network: Get to know individuals who offer empathic understanding. A single relationship cannot meet all our emotional needs.
- Reflect on the value of awareness: Although awareness cannot be a substitute for natural empathy, it’s a good beginning. A few individuals with ASD learn ways to better empathize with others, even though it does not come naturally.
One individual with ASD reported, “I hardly ever consider what I may be subjecting my parents, siblings, or friends to when I assert my independence and communicate my needs, but neglect theirs are equally vital.” This awareness can be an important step toward healthier relationships.
The path to mutual understanding is one of time and effort on the part of all parties. For those with neurological differences in empathy, becoming aware and working on new behaviors can close the gap. For neurotypical partners, learning about these differences can assist in decoupling action from feelings of rejection.
Ultimately, the most fulfilling relationships—between neurotypical individuals or individuals of varying neurological makeup—need to be constantly worked at to appreciate each other’s individualized way of being in the world. When innate empathy is scarce, compassion, good communication, and respect become all the more necessary in forming substantial connections.
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