Deciding whether or not to provide a marriage with a second chance after experiencing emotional abuse is perhaps one of the most difficult and complex decisions anyone can ever make. When a partner vows, they’ve changed and pleads for another chance, it can evoke a mix of emotions—hope, uncertainty, guilt, fear—all simultaneously. For one woman who recently spoke out about her experience, this devastating choice is her harsh reality. Having been married for 16 years and only months into the divorce process, her husband’s assurances that he is going to change have left her doubting everything.
Her years-long, emotionally and verbally abusive husband now says he’s a changed man. He’s promised to stop the controlling, to respect her autonomy, and to better get along with her family. He assures her he’s changed and pleads for a second chance, often pulling at her heartstrings with such pleas as, “Do it for the kids,” or, “Don’t give up on our family.” His words sound sincere, but the question that keeps coming back is: Can people change? And if so, how do you know it’s genuine?
Experts and therapists are in agreement: actual change, particularly if it is abusive behavior, takes a great deal more than promises. It requires serious effort, consistency, and time. One therapist summarized: “The emotional manipulation in his pleas is a red flag. Even if he doesn’t mean to guilt-trip her, it shows he hasn’t gotten to the root of the problem yet.”
Abuse in any form—emotional, verbal, or physical—creates deep wounds that take more than one night to heal. Remember this: genuine change manifests itself in behavior, not in words. Has he had therapy sessions to correct his controlling tendencies? Is he doing it for himself, or are these promises being taken out of fear of losing his family? These are the tough but essential questions to ask.
There’s a chance that he’s making changes. With therapy, accountability, and real effort, he might be able to heal and mature. But even if that were to occur, it would still take years to regain trust, and it would take commitment on both sides, not words, but real, hard work. On the other hand, there’s the very real chance that once the initial fear of divorce has dissipated, the old, toxic habits will creep back in.
And don’t forget the children. Sure, it’s easy enough to declare you’ll stay “for the kids,” but experts warn that bringing up children in a household full of tension and emotional abuse can be worse for them in the long run. Children do what they learn, and if they’re learning dysfunctional relationship models, it will dictate how they know love, trust, and respect later in life.
If you are in this kind of situation, the most important thing you can do is look out for your own welfare—and your kids’. As one counselor astutely observed, “If someone’s choice to change hinges on receiving what they desire, the change will not hold up.” Genuine change must occur within, and not out of fear or need.
Keeping going with the divorce doesn’t necessarily mean you’re closing the door forever. If he does change—and continues to show it in consistent ways over time—you can always go back to the relationship later. But for now, it’s about making the best choice for you and your kids. Trust yourself. Rely on the ones who love and support you. And keep in mind: you deserve a life and a relationship with real respect, trust, and kindness.