Dating nowadays can be like a whirlwind—apps, algorithms, nonstop swiping. It’s simple to become frustrated and have no idea how to navigate relationships in a way that feels authentic. But here’s some good news: dating does not have to be frustrating. With a few shifts in your mindset and some practical tips, you can reclaim control of your love life and enjoy the process.
One of the largest challenges that people have is feeling like they’re just riding along on someone else’s dating adventure rather than navigating their own. Logan Ury, a dating coach and behavioral scientist, explains that many women, for instance, spend too much time waiting for messages rather than proactively sending them. She draws an analogy to job searching—you wouldn’t get your dream job by simply responding to recruiter emails. Similarly, finding a significant connection requires work and purpose.
It starts with being proactive. Whether it’s commenting on someone’s picture, sending a positive message, or hitting on them in real life, going first can seriously reduce feelings of burnout and increase your chances of meeting someone who truly understands you. Mel Robbins discusses this as well. She reminds us that dating apps are wonderful resources, but they should not be used as a crutch. Face-to-face connections are still important, and sometimes you need to find the guts to initiate a conversation in person.
Of course, it’s intimidating to talk to someone face-to-face. That’s part of the reason so many people use apps—there’s less fear of getting rejected through a screen. The truth is, though, some of the greatest connections are made when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. If you never push yourself to try, you could miss out on something incredible.
Another traditional trap in contemporary dating is holding onto a strict list of what your ideal partner should be. Logan Ury invites individuals to “date like a scientist”—go out with an open mind and be willing to be surprised. Instead of dating only your “type,” attempt to meet individuals who are unlike you. You may be pleasantly surprised at who you get along with.
For example, many women claim they only date tall guys, but Ury recommends not writing off short men—you could discover that it’s much less important than you realized. She even tells of how she wound up with a man who checked none of the boxes on her original list. By concentrating on deeper aspects like sense of humor, intelligence, and respect, she discovered an actual happiness within a relationship.
Gary Vaynerchuk’s advice on hiring can be applied here as well. He advises entrepreneurs to “fire fast” if they find someone isn’t working out. In dating, that means being honest with yourself quickly when things aren’t working, and having the guts to move on. So many people linger in relationships far longer than they should, hoping somehow things will improve. But keeping a mismatched connection going only wastes time and energy.
Rather, attempt a definite mental schedule. Allow yourself approximately 30 days to decide whether or not someone feels like the right match. If not, it is fine to break up and keep on moving ahead. Being conclusive keeps your romantic life new and centered—and avoids a great deal of heartache in the process.
If anxiety has a tendency to creep into your relationships, being self-aware can make a big difference. Understanding your attachment style can help you better understand your needs. Individuals with anxious attachment tend to feel ashamed of needing reassurance, but needing connection is perfectly normal. The trick is to express your feelings openly and calmly, instead of pulling away or acting out.
Good communication involves speaking in “I” statements, maintaining an even tone, and expressing your feelings rather than blaming the other. For instance, rather than saying, “You never reply to my texts,” you might say, “I get a little worried when we don’t speak for a couple of days. Can we figure out how to stay connected more?” Such a subtle adjustment can make a huge difference in how you connect.
If you’re in a relationship after trauma, pay attention to how what happened may be influencing your relationships today. Trauma, big or small, can define how we approach love and trust. Sometimes it causes us to return to old patterns or stay away from intimacy altogether because vulnerability is too scary.
Healing from trauma is a process that requires time and much kindness to oneself. Understanding more about how trauma affects relationships can assist you in recognizing your triggers and how to resolve them. Having healthy, happy relationships after trauma is possible, but having some help—friends, loved ones, or a good therapist—can be beneficial.
At the end of the day, dating does not need to be this draining and confusing aspect of your existence. By being proactive, remaining curious, and having a sense of self, you can make dating a more meaningful experience—and perhaps even enjoy yourself in the process.
More for you: