Grandparenting is no longer what it used to be—and that’s not merely nostalgic fantasy. The expectations of grandparents have changed fundamentally, influenced by contemporary family life, more hectic schedules, and the pressures of life today. For most, the idyllic vision of always being present—baking cookies, reading bedtime stories, and being present at every milestone—has given way to something more nuanced. It can be rewarding, yes, but it’s also emotional ups and downs, too wide a distance, and sometimes estrangement that hurts.
The sorrow of long-distance grandparenting is real, and often underestimated. Being miles away from your grandchildren can give you this lingering ache—a yearning for the relationship you envisioned, the milestones you miss, and the fear that you may become irrelevant in their daily lives. As The Long Distance Grandparent writes, these feelings come in waves. There’s even a term for the disappointment when visitation ends: the “GRANDslump.” It’s when the house is too quiet, and you wish you could pause time so that you can remain present in their lives. This sadness does not just get smaller over time—it shifts, and grandparents adapt around it, inventing new ways to reach out and love from afar.
Estrangement presents a deeper level of hurt. Some grandparents are suddenly severed from their grandchildren, sometimes without an explanation of why or for how long. The silence is crushing. Depression, shame, and loneliness tend to grow, particularly when rejection is from your child. Catherine Wilson describes that grandparents can be shut out due to reasons that seem minor, yet the effect is far from it. Her counsel: hold on to hope. Continue to give love, even if letters or gifts are rejected. Be willing to apologize, own up where necessary, and come to the situation humbly. Rebuilding trust is never swift, but tentative steps can slowly lead to reconciliation.
Others experience disappointment not because of conflict or distance—but because of unmet expectations. Some grandparents in today’s world are simply less engaged than parents expected them to be. This isn’t always about love; more often than not, they’re simply too busy. Gone is the old stereotype of waiting-by-the-phone grandparents; many today are independent, active, and juggling their own full lives. Social psychologist Susan Newman suggests the best way to deal with this is by having an open conversation. Discuss what role your parents desire, discuss schedules, and explore innovative ways to stay in touch—through hobbies, special events, or regular phone and video calls. If the relationship still isn’t what you envisioned, it’s alright to grieve that. And sometimes, other relatives or family friends may fill the role of “bonus grandparents,” occupying the space differently but with significance.
Grandparents to older children have another challenge: remaining close as grandchildren mature. Young adults and teenagers tend to drift into their own lives, leaving grandparents to wonder where they belong. But it does not have to mark the end of closeness. Adaptability and perseverance are what it takes, according to Tahira Wilson, a mental health case manager. Meet them where they are—whether that’s texting, FaceTiming, or even keeping up with their favorite social media platforms. Show genuine interest in what they find exciting, ask open questions, and provide steady, reliable support. It takes time and patience, but those efforts can ignite connections that last well into adulthood.
At the center of all these challenges is the need for kindness towards yourself. Kristin Neff’s writing about self-compassion reminds us to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to a friend. Grief, frustration, or anger are normal emotions, but they don’t have to define you as a grandparent. By expanding on those emotions, dreaming up new ways of relating, and persevering, you can build connections that count—altered, maybe, from what you had imagined, but no less significant.
Family disconnection is more prevalent than we tend to own up to. It’s all too common for people to believe that distance or dysfunction has become part of their family narrative. And although modern life promises comfort, it hasn’t necessarily strengthened our families. The CDC Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences reminds us that the health of our family relationships has a great impact on our well-being. Healing those bonds usually starts with humility, self-awareness, and being willing to confront our hurt. The process may get messy, but that’s also where empathy, forgiveness, and real love can come alive.
Grandfathering now is a journey with joy, tears, and nuance. Whether you’re dealing with distance, estrangement, or the issue of remaining relevant, remember this: your love is not diminished by miles or challenges. And the work you do in showing up—even in fresh, surprising ways—means more than you can ever know.