Dating is a delicate combination of feelings, particularly when it involves informing someone that you’re not feeling the chemistry. The temptation to ghost or invent an excuse can be overwhelming, but deciding to deal with rejection graciously and honestly can truly make a positive impact on both individuals.
When there is no chemistry after a first date, we normally struggle with what to say. We get concerned with hurting feelings or causing embarrassment. But according to relationship experts, being blunt and honest is always the way to go.
“Dating is about finding someone who shares your values, lifestyle, and way of thinking.” Two great people sometimes just aren’t right for each other, and keeping that in mind can make rejection less painful.
Here’s how to make rejection respectful and kind:
Be honest, clear, and kind. Avoid making excuses or using the standard “It’s not you, it’s me” line and instead say, “I really enjoyed meeting you, but I didn’t feel the connection I’m seeking.” That way, you’re being fair to your own emotions as well as theirs.
Timing is everything. Though there is never a “perfect” time to have this talk, it is preferable to have it earlier rather than later. If it is just one or two dates, a considerate text message might be sufficient. In longer relationships, a phone call or a face-to-face talk is more considerate of the time spent together.
One of the biggest mistakes is over-explaining. You don’t need to list a bunch of reasons as to why something isn’t going to happen. Be concise and state how you feel in an “I” statement form. For instance: “I liked spending time with you, but I don’t think this will become something more.”
What’s fascinating is the way this tactic has evolved in the era of modern dating. With texting and dating apps, it’s more crucial than ever to stay empathetic and engaged in our communication. While it may be easier to ghost people and disappear into the digital ether, taking the high road is the best way to create positive dating karma and a more empathetic dating culture.
Stand firm in your decision. Some people may try to change your mind, but if you’re clear on your feelings, stay true to them. You can still be kind while standing your ground, saying something like, “I appreciate your interest, but my feelings won’t change.”
If you’re on the receiving end of rejection, keep in mind that arguing or attempting to change a person’s mind will seldom turn out in your direction. Appreciate their choice with dignity, recognizing their candor is a blessing—it gets you over that person and to someone who’s actually thrilled to be with you.
Kindness goes a long way. Try giving a sincere compliment or thanking them for the time they took to meet with you. This holds dignity for both parties and keeps the door open for potential friendship in the future if that is appropriate for both individuals involved.
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