Divorce is an earthquake that shakes every aspect of your existence. If you’ve ever asked yourself why heartbreak or divorce hurts so much, you’re not alone. The dissolution of a marriage is not only losing a spouse—it’s also losing the couple’s dreams, the daily routines, and even aspects of who you perceived yourself to be. Suddenly, as basic as your coffee in the morning or as large as your plans for the future seem different, and the uncertainty that accompanies it can be scary.
Grieving following divorce is a unique type of loss. In death, both parties are present, and that makes things more complex. It’s referred to by professionals as “ambiguous loss,” and it can make it more difficult to achieve closure. The feelings that ensue—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are never in a straight line. One day, you will be fine, and suddenly, a memory, a song, or even encountering a family at the mall will bring a wave of grief. As divorce coach Carol Madden describes, “The uncomfortable truth is that you never really get over your divorce.”. Just like you don’t ever get over the loss of someone you loved.
And how long does it take to get over it? The reality is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. It all depends on so many things—how long you were married, how well the relationship was, whether you have kids, what your personality is like, and the type of support you have. It might take some people a year or two. For some, it can take a few years, especially in cases of long marriages or acrimonious separations. As Kirk Drennan Law so aptly states, “The journey of emotional recovery after a divorce is as unique as the individuals involved.”
The grief stages after divorce aren’t something you tick off sequentially. You might orbit through them a couple of times, and that’s fine. Emotions such as guilt, regret, or helplessness can appear, too, particularly when you keep seeing reminders of what you’ve lost. When these emotions hang around for over a year and begin to impact your everyday life, it can become what’s called complicated grief. That may appear as being unable to move your ex out of your mind, feeling like you’ve lost yourself, or depending on maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Rather than attempting to “get over” divorce, consider how to keep your mourning close to you in a healthier manner. That involves embracing it as a part of your life narrative and allowing your world to expand around it. Eventually, life can become fuller and richer once more, even though the grieving never really leaves. Special events may continue to bring a ache of sadness, but they will no longer dictate your life.
So, where do you start to mend? Begin by allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise—sadness, anger, relief, or even confusion. Don’t judge yourself, and don’t try to speed up the process. Give yourself kindness if you’re not your best self for a bit. Support groups, family, or friends can be a good lean on. Isolation makes everything more difficult, so even if you’re not comfortable asking for help, now is the time to do so. And if you’re stuck or feeling overwhelmed, talk to a therapist who understands divorce and loss.
Self-care is also important. Treat yourself as you would treat yourself after having an illness: rest, eat healthy food, and see if you can minimize stress where you can. Creating new routines can make you feel more solid again. Don’t rush to make major life choices and avoid the pain-buzz of drinking, drugging, or eating. Rather, revisit old pastimes, experiment with new ones, and provide yourself time to discover who you are independent of your marriage.
As time goes on, you will begin to see signs of recovery. Perhaps you’re okay with being alone. Perhaps you’re eager to pursue something new that you love. Perhaps you make new friends or even date again. Triggers such as anniversaries or holidays may still provoke old emotions, but they won’t feel so overwhelming. Should you encounter setbacks in the process, remind yourself that it’s to be expected. Recovery isn’t linear, and every step you take counts.
Ultimately, recovery from divorce is a matter of resilience and rebuilding. The process can make you stronger, more resilient, and more capable of forging healthy relationships in the future. If there are children involved, an emphasis on positive co-parenting can help everyone transition. Above all, discovering new sources of happiness—be it through relationships, achievements, or just everyday moments—is part of moving forward.
Divorce hurts, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild and live a life that feels true to you. Recovery will take time, patience, and resources—but it is doable.