Let’s be real—most of us have had someone tell us, after a breakup, “We just weren’t compatible.” It’s something that gets used so commonly, it’s almost like a diagnosis: an incurable mismatch. But the reality is, compatibility is not some sort of innate feature you either possess or don’t. It’s something that you develop, cultivate, and decide on over time.
Compatibility has nothing to do with liking the same music or hobbies. Deep down, it’s really about whether you and your partner can be a team. That means much more than chemistry on the surface.
One of the biggest obstacles to relationships is when things become one-sided—where one person does most of the emotional, logistical, or even financial heavy lifting. In a healthy relationship, both individuals ought to feel safe, valued, and understood. But when you find yourself constantly making phone calls, suggesting dates, or apologizing to avoid conflict, resentment sets in. Eventually, this unevenness can make you feel isolated, insecure, and even question your value. Amy Mezulis, PhD, describes how a loving, balanced relationship should make you feel strong and connected, not exhausted or unsure. If you’re always making excuses for your partner’s lack of effort or giving up your own needs, it’s time to take a step back and question whether both parties are equally committed.
So why do things go one-sided? More often than not, it’s down to a lack of communication—one or the other partner may find it difficult to articulate their needs. Insecurity is also a culprit, with one individual clamping down on control in case they lose the relationship. Styles of attachment, conflicting expectations, and actions such as “weaponized incompetence” (faking not knowing something so the other person does it) all play a part. This leads to stress, isolation, and a gradual loss of self-esteem.
It’s also simple to slip into trying to control your partner—doing things for them they can do for themselves, covering up for their errors, or attempting to “fix” them when they don’t wish to alter. Over-functioning in this manner creates frustration and codependency. Health boundaries aren’t about controlling another person—they’re about preserving your well-being. If you catch yourself in empty threats or manipulation to receive attention, it’s an indication that you’re forcing a connection rather than creating it.
So what’s the solution? Begin by distinguishing between what you can control (your behavior, your words, your boundaries) and what you can’t (your partner’s feelings, decisions, or desire to change). Ditching the fantasy of control releases energy into discovering your own needs, interests, and development. Rather than attempting to transform another, work on your healing, activities, and friendships independent of the partnership.
Communicating is the foundation of any healthy relationship. And it’s not necessarily speaking—it’s listening, actively present, picking up on body language, and paraphrasing what you hear. Consistent, deep chats about values, priorities, and even the difficult topics keep you in sync as you both grow. Avoid waiting for a crisis to talk about what’s important—make checking in the norm, discussing your shifting thoughts, and listening with curiosity.
A big change is going from asking “What can I get?” to “What can I give?” This doesn’t mean you skip your needs or put up with bad acts. It’s about seeing the bond as teamwork where both people help out.
Learning to draw lines and calm yourself are key. When sad, try to ease up by yourself rather than wait for your mate to help you feel better. Ask for help when you need it—but be okay with a “no.” And if your mate shows you their true self, trust them, like Maya Angelou said.
Being right for each other isn’t just luck—it’s a choice, daily. It’s knowing what matters to each other, staying true, and trying. Some days will feel simple; some will be tough.