Have you ever asked yourself why it is that it’s more emotional and personal to say “I love you” in your native language? It is very interesting phenomenon felt by many multilinguals. One sunny afternoon, I was discussing with a Chilean girl interested in learning about my love for Spanish, which I learned in secondary school and specialized in later in university. We talked about the difference between Spanish and English, i.e., that the English will just say “love you” so much more on the surface, while “te amo” in Spanish is such an emotional loaded word.
It made me reflect on myself. Although I tell my friends and loved ones “love you” in English, I never uttered the entire phrase to someone else to express love to them. It is too intense, too exposed, and requires assurance of what the couple will be like in the future. I can utter “te amo,” “te quiero,” and “me encanta” in Spanish, but to whisper “I love you” in English is difficult.
Boston University Associate Professor of Psychology Catherine Caldwell-Harris describes how our affective attachment to a language acquired early in life is so powerful because it is formed with the development of our affective control mechanisms. In other words, our native language, and our earliest experiences, feel more vibratory. To most people, to speak in their mother tongue while conveying love and feeling is sweeter because it leads back to the myths, legends, and histories of each word.
Our languages do, in fact, give us various personalities, oddly enough. A Guatemalan friend used to say that while I speak Spanish, I am more analytical and blunt, but while speaking English, my emotions become obvious. Spanish, as a language I learned later in life, is less emotionally charged than English, and therefore I am freer to be myself. This is characteristic of late-learners of a language since the targeted language is not so emotionally loaded.
It is easier for the majority of people to say “I love you” in English rather than in their native language. For instance, the German lovers have reserved for themselves the expression “Ich liebe dich,” while family and friends say to each other “Ich hab’ dich lieb.” This discloses the emotional significance our native language holds. Love is softer, more personal-sounding when it is said in our native language because it is inextricably linked with our inner self and cultural heritage.
Our mother tongue is that which we use initially to express love, hurt, happiness, and yearning. It is that tongue of our earliest relationships, just like the location where we were first loved by family members, friends, or spouse. It is challenging to express love in our mother tongue because the words are too personal. In contrast to a second language, where words seem less us, to display love in our native language cuts into our bare self.
The exposure of vulnerability is more on the line in our mother language because that’s when we are most bare. The exposure of this close-up vulnerability is what makes love expressions so intimidating. We’re scared because rejection and mis-understanding seem more probable when we use the words we do closest to our heart. But there’s something lovely about being intimate in our own language. It seasons the way we speak and love, and gets the best and authentic, open us.